Oh vox. Im trying so hard not to abandon you. I got my hair cut and its really great and I got some funky little vintage dresses so I just feel swingin. The last few days have been weird. Ive just been thinking alot. I hate feeling lonely. I'm going to paste what I wrote in my Livejournal.
its been really hard for me to write everything i feel lately. it
semmes like i go from being blissfly happy to terribly lonely too
easily. I keep looking down to the end of the road to see if you're
coming but in the back of my mind I know you wont. I knew from the
begining that it wasnt going to work and I wished Id followed my gut
and backed off and just wanted to be friends. its not even like we are
exclusive or even a "we." I guess you just sort of filled the void I've
had for home. Last night we watched that episode of sex and the city
where carrie turns 35 and everyone realizes how alone they are. I wish
like was like that. at the end you just sort of realize whats going on
and where you want to be and feel at least a little comfortable. I dont
think Im wired to be with anyone. I see relationships and wonder if
alllove is is settling for the best that you can get. Can you ever
truly love someone entirely with an entire world of lures swimming
about you waiting to catch your eye? Even relationships that seem so
perfect have their problems. I guess I realize that the only difference
between being single and being together is having someone to go through
the rough patches with. I wish I didnt rely on people for that,
especially men. But that is life i think. No human wants to be alone
yet being comfortable with your alone-ness is everyones ultimate goal.
I dont want to BE 35 and be alone and feel meaningless but does a
partner have to be what fills someone with meaning? Ivve always been
taught that god is the most beautiful thing and I think we're ll
serching for beauty; for the good. But why does love have to be
Appetite? Is it possible to be fuffiled with self alone? isnt that a
bit egotistical? Thats not to say i dont wish there was someone there.
I guess I just wish I didnt feel a constant biological clock. I dont
see why settling down has to be settling for last. I just want someone
who is happy being alone but happier being with me. I guess mostly I
wish I was that way. I dont know. maybe Im wrong and someday Ill meet
someone Im just as crazy about as they are with me. i dont know if
thats too much to ask. it feels like it is. but for now I just want to
be okay with where I am and what I want to do. A little bit of
security. I think Maslows hiararchy of needs is a little off. One can
still want acceptance but feel the drive to help other people. I've
been trying to be larger than life. Maybe I just need to be a little
more self centered. I always feel too vain and not even in apperance. I
think one of lifes greatest curses is that everyone feels the world
revolves around them. I dont mind it; I know its how it is. I guess I
just want that orbit to be crossed. To feel someone else gravity. I
guess love is just gravity pulling at your heart and feeling someone
else in the center of your universe. maybe thats not so bad.
I think that explains some things that are going on. I just dont understand whats wrong with me. I dont think my standards are too high. Maybe Im just not in the right place. Oh well this is nothing a day at Banana Republic wont fix.
So Marathon was kind of a bust and we wound up with a whole lotta people at the Aviary and drank cosmos and smoked weed and I got rediculous. I went out on the porch swing and Amadeus and I listend to this childrens toy that played midi-ed out classical music and bird noises but the battery was dying so it was spooky and we called it the nightmare machine. Then we made out. Wah wah I dont know why Im so weirded out about it. Maybe cause I thought he was gay and maybe because hes so damn cute but mostly because I adore him as a friend and now feel really ungodly uncomfortable. Oy vey. But we talked and it all seemed cool. I guess I dont go to the girls house enough for it to matter. Anywho This is my new haircut which Im getting as soon as my scooter drama is complete
Who is your favorite Muppet? Why?
Meet Kami, the AIDS muppet. Not even kidding. http://www.rotten.com/library/culture/sesame-street/kami/
What's the one CD that will totally remind you of the Summer of 2006?
That's so hard. It would have to be a Mix CD. I mean we listened to
At least a hundred times. We did alot of dancing. So I guess lots of fun stuff like that.
Tell us a little something about your first girlfriend/boyfriend.
Ever heard that song "Son of a preacher man"? Thats him. His dad was a pastor and I met him at Church Camp when I was 12. I told him I was 14. We had a torrid romance between sports hours and tabernacle sessions until we were forced to seperate at the end of camp. Last I heard he became a drug addict. C'est la vie.
Hey this is my first VOX post so I figure I should make it good. I've got lj's and myspace's for my own friend sbut I want to use VOX to meet lots of other people! Anyway I just picked up the new Thom Yorke CD.
So good. Definitly different from Radiohead's last few albums but it has a mysterious quality about it that makes you want to keep listneing. Tonight I'm going to a dance-thing here in St. Augustine called Marathon. Lots of fun. Hopefully pictures for you! luv jes
